Grammar Jokes

Posted by | October 23, 2012 | Uncategorized

Some grammar jokes to make you laugh. A giggle goes along way to making us all feel happier so we hope you find these English jokes amusing. The TESOL/TEFL teachers will likely get a chuckle from these and their ESL/EFL students might too so share please. Also feel free to post some other funny grammar jokes in the comments section. Thank you and enjoy!

One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.
A student asked, “What’s the matter?”
“Tense,” answered the teacher, describing how he felt.
The student paused, then continued, “What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter… ?”

“‘I’ before ‘E,’ except after C. Weird.”

Walks into a bar jokes involving grammar and punctuation.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave
A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.
A Question mark walks into a bar?
Two Quotation marks “walk into” a bar.
The bar was walked into by the passive voice.
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
A synonym ambles into a pub.
A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.
A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.
A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.
Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.
A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.

My Place
There’s a verb and a noun in a bar.
They both spot each other, and the verb smiles and goes over to the noun. “Hey,” it said to the noun. “Wanna come back to my place and conjugate?” The noun said “Oh, no. I decline.”

punctuation is powerful

Grandma
Let’s eat Grandma!
Let’s eat, Grandma!
Punctuation SAVES LIVES!

Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi?
A: There, Their, They’re

Q: What’s another name for Santa’s elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.

Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including “y” ?
A: Unquestionably!

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/grammarjokes.html

Two friends meet and one of them says:”I’ve taught my dog how to speak English!”
“That’s impossible”, says the other man.”Dogs don’t speak!”
“It’s true! I’ll show you.” He turns to his dog, “How’s the situation in England?”
The dog answers: “Rough, rough.”

What’s the difference between white socks and red socks?
(Students will most likely answer the color)
Then you say, “yes, that’s one difference but there’s another:
The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!

Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.

Question: So what did they call their ranch?
Answer: They called it “Focus”, because that’s where the sun’s rays meet (sons raise meat).

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!”

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

What’s the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

A Texan professor and an Oxford professor are chilling at a conference bar. The Texan professor, bored, looks to the Oxford professor and strikes up a conversation. “So there partner, where y’all from?” Oxford prof. replies, pushing his glasses to his nose: “Well, in reply to your query, I hail from Oxford. In addition, where I come from, we never end our sentences in a preposition.” The Texan prof. blinks once, shrugs his shoulders and drawls, “My apologies! What I mean to say is ‘where y’all from, asshole?’”

Teacher: “Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I.”
Josephine: “I is …”
Teacher: “No, Josephine. It’s always ‘I am…’ ”
Josephine: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

When I was a kid, my English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.”
I said, “Who, me?”

Source: http://bsuwg.blogspot.kr/2008/07/misc-grammar-jokes-from-net.html

conjugate verbs funny comic

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15 Responses to “Grammar Jokes”

  1. Comment made by Andy on Oct 24th 2012 at 1:55 am: Reply

    I have a favourite: Two guys are walking down the street. One says “Hey, who’s that girl I seen you with last night?”
    The other guy: “No, it’s ‘I saw’”.
    “OK. Who’s that eyesore I seen you with last night?”

    • Comment made by admin on Oct 24th 2012 at 2:05 am: Reply

      Hilarious! Thank you :)

  2. Comment made by JobPagoda on Oct 24th 2012 at 2:03 am: Reply

    More of a pun and not one the grammarians might fancy but still funny.

    The principal called the young cross-eyed teacher into his office. “I’m sorry to say, Ms. Jones, we’re going to have to let you go.” “But why, sir? I thought I was doing a good job.” “It’s simple,” said the principal, “you can’t control your pupils.”

    • Comment made by admin on Oct 24th 2012 at 2:07 am: Reply

      Puns are always welcome too :)

  3. Comment made by Simon Worthington on Oct 24th 2012 at 5:29 am: Reply

    I’m not German or Jewish but I take offence at the casual way the phrase Nazi is thrown around. Attaching its name to something like grammar, which is of relatively little seriousness compared to the extermination of millions of people, is ignorant at best.

    I would expect this from teenagers but not from the admin of an adult Esl website. Or does cultural sensivity and thought behind what you say nor belong to the job anymore?

    I wonder what the author would say if I started a grammar joke about an exclamation mark who jumped out of the WTC building on 9/11? Not much I imagine.

    • Comment made by admin on Oct 24th 2012 at 2:45 pm: Reply

      Point taken. Could have been put a bit nicer but nonetheless there you have it. Not that the admin of this site authored the “joke” in question but is guilty as charged when it came to thoughtlessly using that joke here. Perhaps republishing it here perpetuates the lax use of that other ‘N’ word. Yes, that term ‘Nazi’ when linked to a rather strict purveyor of soup or someone who is forever correcting your grammar doesn’t seem to cause the shock and disgust that it very well should given the atrocities carried out. Most peculiar and troubling really. How is that term used by most of the world so casually when linked to something as Simon says (something pleasing about writing that) of relatively little seriousness like grammar. Well let’s leave this post as is and these comments in the hope that people will read this and think twice about throwing around that and other offensive and hurtful words despite the comical or other connotation since been put upon those words. Thank you for the comment Simon.

      • Comment made by Simon Worthington on Oct 25th 2012 at 7:22 pm: Reply

        Hi Admin,

        Many thanks for your reply which I was not expecting! Kudos for challenging the topic head on and also for your witty retort!

        On my part, I would like to apologise for the strong tone and sarcasm (which we all know is “the lowest form of wit”!). I could have made my point known in a slightly gentler manner.

        It is something that I do feel quite strongly about (perhaps partly due to what I perceive as a general lack of respect and interest for history amongst kids these days) and also because I believe, especially after visiting numerous concentration camps, very strongly that these labels like Nazi should not be used lightly. If we don’t remember our history, we are doomed to repeat it, is an often cited quote, but one I tend to believe in.

        Since you mentioned the classic Seinfeld episode, I’m reminded of an episode of South Park where they are discussing when exactly it is too soon to make jokes about atrocities or serious topics like the Aids epidemic in the 80s… the jury is out on that one and the lines are blurred but I don’t know, for me the word Nazi and it’s connotations are still far too recent and serious.

        P.S On the plus side, I liked the joke about Maria and the map :)

        • Comment made by admin on Oct 25th 2012 at 10:52 pm: Reply

          Hi Simon,

          Thank you and glad you liked the wit :) And no worries on the sarcasm as given a steady diet of British comedies I’m dripping in it sadly. Do have to watch that a bit.

          Not just kids but generally all really as you say have little to no interest and heaps of ignorance towards history. An apt quote indeed that does sort of loose its meaning with it becoming near cliche, but it is absolutely true.

          Ha! Yes, that is a rather funny yet uncomfortable episode as you really aren’t sure if it is OK to laugh. Those guys are brilliant, thought-provoking and hilarious writers. Not sure what we are talking about then readers you can watch that episode here but be warned it is South Park: Jared Has Aides

          Thank you for your comments and glad you liked a joke or two.

  4. Comment made by carol phillips on Oct 24th 2012 at 7:38 pm: Reply

    Thanks sooo much! Really enjoyed that! … and yes, Simon ~ you are quite right, and I too am sorry to say I needed to read your comment to realise ~ I just skipped over the word!

    • Comment made by admin on Oct 25th 2012 at 11:56 am: Reply

      Thank you Carol! Glad you enjoyed it and Simon’s comment.

  5. Comment made by MAC on Oct 25th 2012 at 10:33 pm: Reply

    Thank you very much. I love teaching and I usually try to make it as funny as possible. Learning doesn’t need to be only in a serious way. I, myself, have written a dialog, on the phone, about the term “tense” because I was doing a Pos and discussing Michael Lewis’ ideas about the English verb. Many of the students were tense, due to the strict way they had learnt verb tenses. LOVE, LIVE, LEARN n LAUGH MAC

    • Comment made by admin on Oct 25th 2012 at 10:54 pm: Reply

      Hi Mac,

      Absolutely! Making it fun lowers learner anxiety (teacher’s too :) and that is always a good thing when we are trying to help them acquire a language or any bit of knowledge. Keep up the loving, living, learning and laughing!

  6. Comment made by Sabrina Meeuwsen on Oct 26th 2012 at 11:59 am: Reply

    Loved it! I’m certainly going to use at least a number of the jokes in class, see if my students get them. :-)

    • Comment made by admin on Oct 26th 2012 at 1:58 pm: Reply

      Hi Sabrina,

      Hope they find them as funny as you did :)

      Thank you!

  7. Comment made by Chris on Jan 2nd 2014 at 4:18 am: Reply

    Nice

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